coffeelvr's Journal

Vacation, all I ever wanted... vacation had to get away
My sister and I are leaving on vacation on Sunday.
I am freaking out b/c i haven't packed one thing.... and I have no idea what I am going to pack.
We are going to Key West-- and I have no clothes that fit... Why--- b/c I am actually happy and I have been enjoying food :)

We are leaving to run away from Christmas this year... and my mom's birthday is the 27th... she would have been 64.

We miss her so, so much-- and just couldn't bear to be her for Christmas this year.

We are doing some family presents tomorrow.... and my sister and I are going to exchange gifts in 75 degree weather!!!!

I miss my mom----

Current Mood: rushed

Tomorrow's gonna make up for yesterday....

Holy Crap....

Haven't posted in awhile.
1. I don't have email access at work yet--
2. I don't have email access at home-- don't have a computer that works. Just ordered a HP laptop... very excited.

Work has been crazy... getting ready for new staff, new children, new building, new position.
I am scared, worried, excited, stressed, happy, sad... all of it.
It is going to be an amazing space for children, families and teachers.
My teachers are the best--- I can't believe how lucky I am to work there and with those people.
I am just afraid that I am going to fail them.

No boys-- and I am ok with that right now.
I didn't fall in love with one recently- which was good b/c he fell off the face of the earth.
What did I get out of it--- a new experience in flexibility and patience and a cat named "Kitty:.... and I did fall in love with her!!!
She is a perfect pain in the ass!!

Missing my mom still-- my birthday was very lonely and sad without her.
I kept thinking she was going to call.
I had great conversations and presents from friends- but just wanted my mom!!

Just busy, and busy....
And very happy for my friends that are in good places in their life right now.....
Yea Sarah! Yea Becki! Yea Kristen and Ashley

And yea me for having such wonderful people to surround myself with

Current Mood: stressed

Look Cole-Cole- what's dis??

I am babysitting S and D tonight.....

And I am listening to S talk, talk, talk about what she is doing, what is on my desk and what she wants to do tonight.
And I love listening to her talk and her words and her voice.

She has the cutest voice- and the cutest words.

Gog= Dog

But she can also say "Cole cole, sometimes boys hit ayot (alot) and geirls (girls) don't hit"
and "I am frustrated b/c you are taking so long"

I love her so, so much

************************************************************

A different boy texted me to meet him out tonight. Why do I try to find meaning in that-- meaning so much more that he probably wants it to mean.

He is funny, but I wonder why he is texting/calling etc......

Current Mood: loved

I miss her- every.single.day

Last night I realized that it will be 4 months since my mom died.
I still can't believe it-- even as I type those words "my mom died" it doesn't seem real.

And the fact that it has almost been 4 months makes me even more sad..... it feels so unreal that it has been 4 months since I have touched her, talked to her.
And she just keeps getting farther and farther away.

I think about her 500 times a day-- things she would have said to me, or things that I want to tell her about.

And I get so angry when people say to me "she is always there" or "she is always with you"
What??
I have never once felt her presence.
I held her when she took her last breath-- and she was gone just like that.

What I feel, and taste, and smell and see now is loneliness.
And that is it.

I always believed in heaven and God and everything that goes with it.
But once she stopped breathing, my faith went too.
I would think that as much as my mom loved my sister and I, and as much as she felt she was going to miss us-- that if she really was somewhere after death-- she would let us know somehow.

I am just feeling bitter I guess.
I am just so mad that she is gone.

I want to scream sometimes-- I AM SO SAD THAT MY MOM IS GONE!!
And I hate that I can't say that to people.

Current Mood: lonely

Sweet Escape
My sister and I have been dreading Mother's Day since February.

So- we have decided to go to Chicago- and just get away.... from memories, from places, from seeing people we know with their mothers.

We are going to get there Thursday and leave Sunday-- and we are very excited.
We are going to a spa on Friday, and pretty much drink away the sadness for the weekend :)

This is our first vacation with each other- so that should be interesting.
And I am interested to see how we feel about being away for mother's day.....if we will ignore it or talk about it or cry or laugh or what.

Next weekend, we (sis, dad, aunt, cousins,etc...) are doing the Race for the Cure. This is the first year without my mom. I think that day will be horrible and much more sad than mother's day. There is no ignoring the fact that we are missing a very important part of our lives while we are there.

I sometimes am just so tired of crying.
Not tired of missing her- because I know that I always will.
But tired of the tears. I wonder if that will stop??

Also- next weekend I am going to see Cirque with a great guy-- yes, same one.
He continues to grow and support me as I do.
He is showing signs of thoughtfulness-- thinking about other's feelings. I think like myself, he is very guarded and shy- and he is worried about getting hurt. So this sometimes (like with me) causes people- him- to turn inward and not think about the other people in his world.
But- he made me coffee the other AM while I was still sleeping, and he surprised me with these tickets, and he invited me to meet some of his friends.
But- We are still "dating" NOT boyfriend/girlfriend........ I don't know what that means.

My cousin bought us each a ring that says "one day at a time".... this is nice to look at when I am missing my mom... my mom would have liked it.

Current Mood: blah

Don't let it go away, this feeling has got to stay
I had a very lovely Wednesday night with someone that I like, a lot :)

It was funny, and comfortable, and relaxed, and silly, and yummy.
And I smiled- and I liked being with him.

To be continued.......

Current Mood: content

Look- I'm diet drama.....
My therapist finally admitted that I feel comfortable with the drama.
Yes- it has taken her a few years to get something that I have known for awhile
I want to feel comfortable with the parts of life, relationships etc... that isn't dramatic.

I am working through my mom's death.
But I really don't think this is something that you get over.
I think that you learn to live with the pain.
I am not sure which pain is worse--- the losing my mom part (not having her here for advice, love, laughs, hugs, her face, her smiles) or the watching her die part.
It is a different kind of pain----- the horribleness of watching her die is the part I can't get out of my head. That month that hospice was here was just horrible (i really can't think of anyother word that best fits this situation)..... hospice was wonderful but watching my mom disappear..... was horrible.

But I miss her everyday-- and I don't know how to be without her.
There are so many things that remind me of her, and so many times that I think "oh, I'll just call mom and ask" and then remembering.

The nights are the worst-- I just relive everything all over again, and I can't seem to stop my brain. I work so hard to think of other things- birthdays, vacations, cooking with her--- but I can't picture those yet.
I keep thinking--- why did I do that? Why didn't I say that ? Did she really know that I loved her??
And Does she know us anymore? Does she remember me? Is she with me? Is she really anywhere??

My friend's dad was just diagnosed with lymphoma and lung cancer. More tests are being done, more doctor's visits to assess the situation--- more questions, answers, tears, joy, set backs, successes... and hopefuly laughter and love through it all.
I just want to protect her from these feelings, and I want to tell her all the things that I wish I would have done.
I know that I can't--- and I know that I just need to be there for her.

Cancer sucks.......

Current Mood: melancholy

My most wonderful, best, most supportive friend in the world just got engaged!!!!

Congratuations

neurotropin..... I am so, so happy for you two!!!

(and I can't wait to help plan a wedding!!! Whooo Hooooo)

Current Mood: excited

My mom passed away this morning.

I miss her so much.

Current Mood: crushed

Where is your peacefulness???
That is what my mom asked me today.
(She also asked why we don't have dogs.... but I take what I can get.)

Really, she isn't making sense when she talks now.
But occasionally, I get a glimpse into something.
I don't know if I am just searching for meaning behind words, sentences, death.....
I hear things or I think I hear things (her voice is weak, lots of mumbling).... and I want to know more, I want to know "WHY?"

And sometimes she hears other people talk to her...her mom, her dad... and I don't know if it is really them, or a dream, or just the toxins in her body.

But I find it comforting that perhaps my grandma and grandpa are wating for her, and ready to welcome her. And I feel like I can breathe when I think that way.

My peacefulness now is watching my mom breath and looking at her face when she is sleeping.
Where will I find it when she is gone???

Current Mood: listless

Mom
Just an update...

These are really day to day changes-- some are "good" days and some aren't.
Mostly-My mom isn't very responsive. When we come into the room to kiss her, or say anything-- she isn't waking up like she used to. And when she is awake-- she cries or is very confused.

Yesterday- the nurse came, and my mom said that she was scared to die. She says that she understands the peace that comes afterward, but is afraid of letting go, of leaving everyone.
That is the most that said in days.

The doctor said the confusion is from the liver damage- not the meds. She wouldn't be as confused as she is if it was just the pain/anxiety meds.

I keep waiting to hear some poetic, beautiful words about death from my mom. I think I watch too much TV.
She did say that she saw Jesus- and she was walking down the street.
She also thinks she is on a cruise at times.

My dad continues to go from denial to anger and back.
As annoyed as I am with him sometimes... he has done things for my mom the last few days that I never expected him to be able to do, and I know that some people wouldn't be able to do for their significant other.
He has grown into a caretaker role for the first time in his life, and is doing well for the short time that he has been doing this.

I miss my mom--- I know that she is her, but it doesn't seem like her anymore.
If she was really here, we would be laughing and baking and arguing and laughing some more. I could call her because I was sad or to tell her about my work.
My heart is breaking and the one person who would always listen to me is no longer able to give advice.

Current Mood: distressed

Memories
I have been trying to talk to my mom about memories that I have about her and about growing up.
It is comforting to just lay beside her and talk.
The nurse said that even if she doesn't respond, she can still hear us.

I feel horribly guilty about issues that my mom and I had in the past- not being close, arguing etc... I want so bad to take them back or to fix them.
My mom is sleeping about 23 hours of the day- so there isn't time to fix them.
Before she started sleeping so much she said that she loved being my mom--- so I am taking that in my heart that she forgives me.

When my mom is awake she cries.... I just don't want her to be so sad.
I want her to go in peace.

Last night I kissed, kissed, kissed her cheek before I left... although sleeping, she started laughing.
I asked her why she was laughing, and she said "because I am happy"

I think I will remember that moment forever.

I have gotten over my stress about balancing work and her.
I choose to be home with her most of the time, and when I feel like working, I go it.
Selfish--- yep, but I am where I feel that I need to be.

Hmph....

Current Mood: okay

Screw the stages of grief..... or.... Is there a right and wrong way??
Seriously- for some reason I think that I am supposed to be stronger than this (not that I have ever been an emotionally strong person). But I get so frustrated with myself when I cry.

I also feel horrible for some reason that I don't want to be at work- I just want to be by my mom.

I think it is b/c a co-worker's mother died of cancer a few years ago, and my co-worker was at work until the day her mom died... THEN took time off.
I am taking time off now AND after the fact.
I really can't help it--- I feel so much better when I am here with her... even if she is sleeping the whole time, I read, work on the computer and just watch her breathe.
I try to go to work- but I just cry and I am completely worthless.
I have over 6 weeks of vacation and 12 weeks of sick time...

I just wish I was a bit stronger...
What am I going to be like once she is gone.
OR is the just the helplessness and waiting that is making me crazy now??

Some of my friends don't want to talk with me about it.
I feel so lonely anyway, and when I try to reach out to others, they feel uncomfortable.
I don't want answers.
I don't want them to do anything....just listen.
I don't know how to do this either....
But, I am trying to lightly wade through others feelings and figure out who I can talk with.

I called my doctor to see if I could up my dosage of antidepressant or give me something else to help.
I don't know if what I am feeling is normal or just out of control.

Sometimes I think that I want to go with my mom.... I don't have a husband or children..... It could be so easy...

My dad is a mess... and so hopeful--for better days, for a cure, for my mom to be herself again.
It breaks my heart every time I see it.

I think I am done for now.....
I need my mom

Current Mood: cranky

Hospice
My mom has made the decision to stop chemo (actually I think her body made that decision) and she has made the decision to call Hospice.

We met with the nurse last night, and she stopped by today.

I am glad that my mom has some peace about this- she feels better, just emotionally since the nurse has been here.

She has slept better in the last 24 hours than she has in the last two months.

I go in and out of denial and saddness and loneliness and despair and nothingness and calmness....

I feel like I am just being...........

Nothing more to write- I have talk so much to family and friends today.
I am not sure how to talk to some people about it, and I also worry that I am overburdening others.
I still am working on understanding who I can talk to and who not to talk about it with.

Current Mood: lonely

All I want for Christmas......
Is for my mom to get better.

We had a long talk about death again on Christmas Eve.
And we made it through, we actually all laughed (that is how my family deals... either denial or with humor)
We were looking over the DNR and living will info--- and it talked about organ donation. I said that she should donate her liver... and we laughed. My dad seriously said "she can't because she has cancer".... yeah dad it was a joke.

Christmas Day...
I woke up and cried, cried, cried. I don't know why. I was just so sad and I kept thinking that this day was supposed to be happy- and that it was probably my mom's last christmas.
Then Sarah called and I cried some more.

But at my mom's house we actually had a perfect day.(In the AM before we got there my mom fell, from weakness etc... scary but I don't want to talk about it now)
Mom got to the couch, and opened her gifts and watched us open ours. We laughed and took pictures and she watched us eat :)
Then she went to bed.
I think it was perfect.... and I hope that she does too.

Side note... something else I don't want to talk/think too much about---- I exchanged small gifts with someone this year that I care about. We are also going to spend New Years Eve together. I don't know what that means, or if it means anything.... but I like spending time with this person :) I just don't want to get hurt again.

Current Mood: good

Mom- update
She goes in tomorrow for some more blood work and for maybe more chemo.
I don't know if her white count is going to be high enough.

She is optimistic about Christmas- I don't know if it is to make us happy, or herself.

My sister brought some paperwork for my mom to look at for a living will. I hate that- but I am glad that she is doing that if it is what she wants.
I know that I would not be able to make decisions about things like that.

I go back and forth between sadness and denial.
I have made at least 14 different kinds of cookies already.
My sister and Sarah said I am like Izzy on Grey's... baking, baking, baking.

I don't know if I am used to seeing my mom looking so bad or if she is actually looking better.
I really have no idea.
I get slightly scared right before I walk into her bedroom, and brace myself for what she is going to look like.

She is starting to eat again- and is hungry.
So I am taking that as a good sign.
And I really feel like she is better than she was awhile ago.

She still can't dress herself, or get out of bed or walk herself.
But she is eating, and the swelling in her legs is better.

I am not sure why I am writing about this--- to keep it for later? To try and figure things out??
I don't know.

I am so tired

Current Mood: listless

I am so scared, that I can't really move.
And if I am moving- I am doing so automatically.....
My brain is not working right.

My mom is not doing well..... and I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to focus on-- her getting better?? Her dying??

Her cancer is growing- we know that.
And her doctor said that we (??? She) is running out of chemo options.
She got a treatment on Thursday- and isn't feeling any relief from the cancer.

This is the most uncomfortable, most pain that she has been in since her diagnosis almost 6 years ago.
And I know that we have lived on borrowed time.
And I think that I am feeling guilty.... she has been doing so "well" that I could forget that she was sick, and I just took it for granted.
We fought, and I was annoyed, and we didn't talk, and I didn't visit as much, and I didn't tell her that I loved her enough.
And I am scared that I wasn't a good enough daughter.

I don't know how to do this.
I feel like I am in a panic- that I MUST save her, that she has to be here for me.

I am so selfish about this.......but I want her to be here for longer.

Current Mood: scared

We are family.....
Actually pretty uneventful Thanksgiving--- no political discussions, no arguments....
And my pecan pie was a hit.

It was nice to be with the family and just be.
I still feel out of place at times with them.

Tomorrow I am leaving Columbus for the weekend- and am looking forward to just getting away.
I am not going anywhere exciting-- nor do I have great, huge plans.
But am hanging out with someone interesting- and meeting new people.
(ok- I HATE that part...)

I don't know what is going to happen, and I hate having these expectations for something great- because I know that I am going to be let down.

I want to just go, and have fun, and drink, and relax.
And come home and be the same.

I am thankful for my wonderful friends who stick by me even if I am a pain, and even if I want to be by myself.
Thanks for loving me, pushing me to be better, and understanding when I fall....

:)

Current Mood: excited

Work in Progress...
That is what my therapist says that I am... that I should look at my life that way.
And see this "set back" as really progress... and not the end of something.

Sometimes she says really good things, but most of the time she makes me nutty.
I think that it is good to get things out that I am feeling, and to be able to say them, but she really isn't helping me figure out ways to NOT feel this way.

Also- she keeps suggesting groups. I don't do well in groups (thus 1/2 of my issues) and I am very private... so talking about myself in groups is not going to help.
She put me in a group before- and I spent 99% of the time talking about how to help the others and all it made me feel was that men were bastards and I already felt that way going into the group.

I can't imagine sitting around with women this time and opening up.
I have a hard time walking into a place where I don't know anyone and relaxing (bar, class etc...).
Goodness- I can't tell if she is trying to throw me into a situation thinking that would help, or she really isn't listening to what my struggles are.

I have many wonderful people wanting to set me up with their friends, or people that they know- and I am on one hand flattered and on the other completely scared to death.
The scared part--- is fear that it won't work out, fear of not being good enough for the other person thus not being good enough for the people who want to set me up, and fear that when it doesn't work out the people that set me up will "know" that there must me something wrong with ME.

This is why the thought of dating makes me tired.

I have serious confidence issue, yes???

I don't know how to feel better about myself.

And I am trying, trying not to compare things to Ian.
(How I was feeling when I met him, how our relationship evolved etc...)

How does self esteem and confidence begin???

Current Mood: frustrated

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
I am missing Ian again...... not in the fearful, loss kind of way.
But in the "I wish he was here" and "I wish we were still together" kind of way.

I was thinking about him this weekend (maybe because I just talked to him.... and PMS)
and I was starting to think that maybe we would get back together.
Then I realized yesterday- that I WAS thinking that we WILL.
Sort of thinking.... well, I need to just get though this (day, month, year etc...) and then we will end up together.
None of this (work, boys etc..) means anything b/c we are eventually going to be together.

There is also the rational part of my brain that is saying "Are you fucking kidding me??"
(It really says things like that)
And it KNOWS that we are NOT going to be together and it is SHOCKED that some parts of me still think that way.

I am SHOCKED that parts of me still think that way too.
But- it is strange how still very comfortable those thoughts of him and us are.
How they just still seem so real, and warm and..... safe.

That is the scary part--- he just felt safe to me.

So- I cleaned out most of my closets, drawers, storage etc... this weekend.
But- couldn't touch the box of Ian.
Partly because I still couldn't get rid of it all.... and partly because I just couldn't face the memories, the mistakes, that life that I thought I was living.

I don't know what is going on with me.
I think I need to up my meds.....

I am staying with my mom for some of this week while she does her chemo- my dad is out of town and she needs someone to stay with her.
I wish I was a better daughter- and I wish that we got a long better.
I wish it was easier for me to see her sick, and for her to let me see her sick.

And I have been forgetting to think about the good things in my life....
My friends
The babies :)
My sister
The family
phone calls
Pumpkins, cool weather and falling leaves

Current Mood: moody

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